I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
