No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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