I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
