the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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