Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
