she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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