what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
