I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
