im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
