Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
