OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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