Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
