Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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