the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
