we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
