He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
