Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
