just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
