so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
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After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
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Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.