did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
