I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
