I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
