Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
