I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
