she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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