Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
