Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
