The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
