hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
