WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
