I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
sex in a hospital.. check
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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