Need sex. Gaining weight.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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