If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
