so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
