I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
