We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
