she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
