Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
