i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
