This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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