you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
