he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
