So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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