It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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