Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
