Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
