tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
