so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
