pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
