I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I am spending my child support on dildos
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
It's rum buckets o'clock
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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