it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
my being single is dangerous.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
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why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
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