I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
