My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
