i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
They are going to name an STD after you.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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