You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
