having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
