Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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