Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
